The Brand New Heavies

I don’t talk about my breasts often, but when I do, I refer to them as boobs. Less out loud than in my mind.  Caitlin Moran actually has a really interesting chapter about what women call their “feminine bits” in her book How To Be A Woman. I think she goes with “tits”, but she’s British, so…

Until recently, I really didn’t think about my boobs at all. There wasn’t that much to talk about. I mean, I have them, but they’re pretty average. A solid B.

Well, they were.

Now, I am acutely aware of them. Apparently, one of the major early pregnancy symptoms for me was breast tenderness or, what I like to call, boob-ache. I can only describe the feeling as being akin to having been whacked repeatedly in the chest…with a bat, then left in a ditch to die.

bat attack
bat attack

 

Things that seemed to make the boobs angry:

  1. Cold air
  2. Shirts
  3. Lying on them
  4. Me looking at them

Luckily, the pain has died down in recent weeks. Either that, or I’ve gotten used to it. What I haven’t gotten used to…their size.*

The other day, I was in the lobby area of our school office talking to a coworker. Mid-sentence, I dropped my keys. As I bent over to pick them up, I felt an unfamiliar, but instantly-identifiable sensation: boob slippage. One had popped out of the top of my now too-tight bra, and lay unharnessed inside my shirt.

The dilemma:

If I stand up now, will the boob be visibly free? Lopsided? Or worse…will it slide down the inside of my shirt and plop onto the floor?Brand New Heavies

I hesitated for what felt like a full minute (but was probably just a second), before trying to jiggle the offender back into the bra. Sometime during this effort, I realized that I probably looked ridiculous (or epileptic) and decided to just stand up and cross my arms over my chest.

Success!

I guess I need to buy some new bras.

And some pants.

And some banana split ice cream sandwiches.

#becausebaby

 

Also, I just felt something itchy, dug in my bra and pulled out an earring. Wonder how long that’s been in there. (shrug)

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*People who know me…please do not look at my boobs next time you see me. It is unlikely that you will notice anything, but I will notice you NOT noticing and become self-conscious…and possible hungry or have to go to the bathroom. Because that happens a lot.

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Eat ALL The Things

Feb 24, 2014

Hello. I’ll be 8 weeks tomorrow ( I think…depending on what the doctor says at today’s appointment), and I am completely driven by eating.

Unlike when I was pregnant with Leila, all I want to do is eat.  I’ve had very little nausea, usually only 1st thing in the morning…but I’ve only puked twice. Fingers crossed.

Every 3-4 hours, my stomach literally starts burning. If I don’t get food in there right away, the burning increases and irritability sets in.

I turn into an irrationally cranky person. But it’s not my fault!

This baby is a bully!

Sunday morning, I was lying in bed at 9 am negotiating with the bully.

Inner Dialogue

Me: Mmm…I’m just gonna stay in bed all morning

Bully: grrrrrrr

Me: Shhh…I can eat later

Bully: No! Nooooooooowwwww!

Me: Look here…

Bully: GRRRRRRRrrrrr (twists my stomach into cramps)

Me: Alright!

 

This is ridiculous y’all.  Eat all the things

Positively pregnant

Thursday, February 6, 2014

10:00 am

I’m sitting at my desk at work, counting and re-counting the days.  It should have happened by now. Actually, I should have started like around the 1st. It’s the 6th.

12:30 pm

Leila is home sick, so I stop in at lunch to check on her before going on to the next campus to teach my afternoon class. She’s fine.

I’m not.

I’m nervous.

I remember that there’s a pregnancy test under the cabinet in the bathroom.  I grab it, stuff it into my purse and head out the door. I call Charles as I’m driving, but he doesn’t answer. Good. It’s probably nothing anyway.

2:30 pm

Charles calls me back, but I’m in class and can’t answer the phone. I text him back to tell him that I’ll call him later. He responds “just text it to me”. So I do.

Me: “I’m late.”

Him: “Holy ****”

I rush to reassure him that it’s probably nothing, and I should have just waited until after I took a test. I tell him that I’ll take one later today.

4:15 pm

In the staff bathroom at work, I pull the test out of my purse, unwrap it, and do my thing.  Then I wait a few seconds.  My heart is pounding. Pretty quickly, a blue cross appears in the first circle, and a straight blue line in the 2nd.

Wait. What does that mean?!?

I don’t have the box or the directions, and I can’t remember if the cross just means the test works and the single line means NOT pregnant. Or is that a plus sign? Plus for pregnant?

I rush out of the bathroom and flip open my laptop to look up the test results for that particular brand online.  My eyes lock on the picture on the screen. The blue cross means yes.

Oh. My. God.