A fiscal, physical, metaphysical fast

I guess you could call this fasting. 

Since August 26, I’ve not posted on social media. I did sneak and check it a time or two (each day) until Thursday, September 3. This is my 7th day cold turkey. Coincidentally, we are also on a VERY tight budget until the 15th, so I haven’t been able to rely on my other addiction, fancy food. No Uber Eating. No foodie treats. Just regular budget-friendly food.

Toast and cheap coffee or tea for breakfast. Ramen noodles or a sandwich for lunch. Spaghetti and peas for dinner.

Functional food.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I usually eat my feelings.

Now that I can’t do that, I’m forced to just sit with the overwhelm. Actually, I don’t have time to sit.

My “day job” of being a high school English teacher and curriculum writer takes all day and much of the night to do “in this virtual environment”, and I’m still woefully behind. Like, I-don’t-think-I-can-ever-catch-up behind. I’m pretty much working during all my waking hours.

I’m miserable.

Then grateful to have a job.

Then miserable again.

At least I’m not dying. 

Last week I had a radiating pain in my left breast. My anxiety-prone mind jumped straight to breast cancer and stayed there. A doctor’s appointment and mammogram later, those fears were laid to rest.

Better the fears than me.

I’m glad to not be prematurely dying.

Yet, this doesn’t feel very much like living.

Do I exist?

Reliant says “your account does. Pay up.”

I took on a contract job, writing curriculum. I clearly don’t have time for that, but…here I am. We need the extra money, and I need the opportunity to build up a portfolio. It’s the only way forward.

Good lord I’m exhausted.

When will it get better?! 

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